im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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