I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
