Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
