I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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