yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
