i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
My ATM looks so different sober.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
