If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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