we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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