It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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