he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
