I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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