i think i have herpe
just one?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
