Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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