i need an iv and a liver transplant
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
