the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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