i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
