I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
