everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
