I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
