My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
