How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.â€
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
