and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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