I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
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Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
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Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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