Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
