The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
