Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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