HIV tests are more positive than that guy
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
