I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
