Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
