If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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