Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
