my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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