hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
