Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
it glows. i had to have it.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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