I will die if light touches me.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
