We won't sleep together?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
