I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
