She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
