Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
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woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
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You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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