Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
