The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
