tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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