Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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