you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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