just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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