She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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