I cut my penus on the lid.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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