Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
