??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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