i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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