You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
