Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
