Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
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Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
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In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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