You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
