This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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