you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
