You're a womanizer and a bitch.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
