I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
