Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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