I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
