Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
