I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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