the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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