Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
